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Donald Trump Reviews Metallica's Kill 'Em All Album

Updated: Jan 11

Originally published in Reglar Wiglar #22.

Donald Trump reviews Metallica
Donald Trump

This review was originally published in Reglar Wiglar #28 available from the RoosterCow Store.


Donald Trump Reviews Metallica: Overview


Just some terrific riffs on this record. Very, very heavy. Cliff Burton was a really, really nice guy — he looked like a total loser, but really, really nice. Great singing from James too. Really good. Look at the band photo on this album. These guys are kids. Look at all those zits. Jeez. I never had bad skin. I was really, really lucky. Always good with the ladies. I wasn't a loser like these guys.



Hit the Lights


Really great guitar solo from Kurt on this one. Kurt Hammett, I mean, his hair in '83... is it Kurt or Kirk? It's Kirk. That's what I thought. He looks like one of Melania's poodles with that hair. Completely ridiculous, but a really great solo. Really, really terrific.


The Four Horsemen


I don't know what this song means. Four Horsemen? But it's really, really terrific. These guys went on to make a lot of money. A lot of money. Not as much as me, but a lot of money. Motorbreath I've never had motorbreath. I don't know what it is. Maybe Dee Snider can tell you, I don't know. I'm kidding. Dee is great.


Jump in the Fire


When you're in business, you have to jump in the fire, right? I know I've jumped in the fire. I know George has jumped in the fire. Terrific vocals. Really, really good.


(Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth


Is there no singing on this? Not a very good business decision, no vocals. Not very, very smart. I would never do a song with no vocals, but I don't know, maybe they knew what they were doing. Is this just a bass solo? No, wait, there's some drums. Lars, now that guy gets it. That Napster thing, suing fans? That's smart business. Whiplash I can't bang my head like these guys. If Ivanka ever dated one of these heavy metal guys, I don't know. I'd be very, very upset, but she wouldn't do that, because she's smart.


Phantom Lord


I don't know what that is, Phantom Lord? Is that a Lord of the Rings thing? Like Hobbits? I don't know. I never read those books. Some people like them. George likes them, but I don't know. Not my thing.


No Remorse


In business, you have to have no remorse. You can't have remorse. I can relate to this. I am very, very good at business. I make deals worth millions of dollars and you can't have remorse. I love this song.


Seek & Destroy


Seek and destroy is what you have to do in business. I've seeked and destroyed my opponents in business. I have made a lot of money making really, really good business decisions. Seek and destroy. I kinda like that.


Metal Militia


I don't know about metal militia. Militias are protected in the Constitution, I believe. Metal militias, I don't know. Sounds like something Obama would like. Doesn't sound American to me.


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